2013 is going to be a great year. Because I am MAKING it a great year.

I have a confession to make:

2012 was not a good year for me. It wasn't good for me, for many of my friends, and especially for KONY. (Remember #KONY2012 ??? Although I usually have a good laugh referencing #KONY2012 and the weird stuff that happened surrounding it all, I know one person who wasn't laughing: KONY.)

Many people don't know this (hell, this isn't something you wave on a flag in Churchill Square, now is it), but I was suffering from depression for a lot of 2012. It was very up and down, some days/weeks/months/were better than others, but I wasn't myself for most of the year. I could feel it.

*Before I go any further, I need to preface the rest of this post by saying that depression is a serious thing and it comes in all different shapes and forms. I dealt with it one way, but that may not be the way for everyone. Just saying, I love you all and if you feel that you are not yourself and may be suffering from depression, please FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY GO SEE A DOCTOR* 

I need to confess how terribly easy it is to remain in a depressed state. Now, yes, there were things that triggered my bouts of depression (for example: being dumped on New Years Day is not necessarily the best way to start off the year, but you know, nobody's perfect), but sometimes it was just THERE. No rhyme, no reason. It was like a cough I couldn't shake or a wound that wouldn't heal (or like that shadow outside my window that watches me sleep at night...).  There were weeks that went by where all I wanted to do was sit in my ill-fitting sweat pants, eat an ENTIRE stuffed-crust pizza in bed, and finish it up with a box of Oreos. And I DID THAT, ladies and gents. Many, many times.
I could feel it within me not just emotionally, but physically too. I had gained weight (Really Lindsey? By eating stuffed crust pizzas and Oreos all day?? SHOCKING.). I looked (and felt) like a tired bag of poo. Constantly. I didn't want to see anyone or do anything. That was (more or less) my 2012.

But, I did do things. I was in some really great shows. I played some amazing gigs. I also recorded an  lovely EP (which is something I have been wanting to do and working towards for a VERY long time). But I didn't release it. I kept telling everyone (including myself) various reasons why I wanted to wait for the following year to release it, but the fact was, I was scared. Petrified. So absolutely afraid of failing (or maybe even being happy? Hmmm...) that I didn't want to do a Goddamn thing. So I stayed in my safe place: where I kept eating pizza, watching Netflix, and waiting for something better to happen.

How I waited....

And waited...

Nothing. (Again, shocking!)

December was where it all came to a head, I can confess openly. I was more or less an uncontrollable weepy mess (and let's get a few things straight: I do like to weep. I am a weeper. But this was more than my standard weeping). For everyone's enjoyment, I have actually made a list of all the places I cried in public:

-bus
-someone else's car
-Home Depot
-warehouse
-gym
-office
-taxi cab
-in the back of a doctor's office (I was working there... but I was crying in the same area people leave  their urine samples. It was a real hoot.)
-various theatres
-sushi restaurants
-a Value Village
-many bookstores
-LRT (I was also listening to this song on repeat, which made the tears flow even harder)
-restaurant
-in the change room at Suzy Shier
-bar
-Safeways, Save-Ons, and Sobeys

and my personal favorite:

-at a bus stop right outside of a daycare (THAT'S IT CHILDREN, SEE THESE TEARS! THEY ARE REAL ADULT TEARS. THIS IS WHAT YOU HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO!)

But about half-way through December, something shifted in me. I wasn't necessarily happier, no. I knew that I had to make changes in order to be happier. I had to do it. Not anyone else in this world could do it. I had to take the first step. I knew that this depression-thang would stick around forever (like some ex-boyfriends, right ladies?!?! OH SNAP! But seriously...) if I let it, and I would be complacent with that. But I wouldn't be happy. So I decided I would do whatever I could to make myself happier, and (hopefully) I would feel a difference. I stopped eating as many packages of Oreos (holy frick was that ever tough). I stopped watching so much Netflix, put on some friggin pants, got to work. I signed up for newsletters that had positive messages and were motivating for what I wanted to do with my life. I started writing again. I began planning for my 2013. I decided that 2013 was going to be a great year for me because I was going to MAKE it a great year for me. And yes, there would be days that weren't going to be good ones, and that was okay. But I would work my butt off to make sure it would be (and I would be) okay. I knew that I would have to work super duper hard in 2013, but it would be worth it. So here I am.

I am not saying this is for everyone. We have all had different experiences, events, and changes in our lives to get us to where we are today. But this is what I did, and am going to continue to do. As I write this, I can feel that I am happier than I have been in a long long while.

I implore you all to look deeply within and if there is anything you can do to make yourself happier, try it out. You may be surprised at what a little change may do.

I will personally try my hardest to continue to do what I can to be happy in 2013. I hope you will do the same.

Until next time,

The girl who is excited for 2013.

Asking random Canadian celebrities to play on my album isn't creepy, right? RIGHT?!?!?!

Remember that time I sent an email asking Canadian music sensation/slash/guitar virtuoso/slash/killer singer/slash/what-I-can-only-assume-is-a-great-guy Matthew Andersen if he would like to sing back ups on my album??

YOU DON'T REMEMBER?!?!?! 

Oh right.  That's because I didn't tell you.

Well... HERE GOES!!!

Let's start off by making sure you all know who Matt Andersen is (because if you don't know how amazing he is, your life is a legitimate joke and you should re-evaluate your life choices).  Just watch this video of him performing live at the 2011 Maple Blues Awards and you will see exactly why we are meant to be together - er, I mean sing together...

Let's take it back a few weeks to when I was balled up in my living room, working away on my computer, listening to Mr. Andersen's live album, Life From The Phoenix Theatre.  I was singing along to one of my favorite songs of his, when I thought "how great would it be if Matt Andersen sang with me on my album?!?! Wait - why can't I ask Matt Andersen to sing backups on my album?!??!"  So that is what I did.  I emailed Mr. Matt Andersen and asked him outright to sing on my album. 

Want to know what I wrote?  Who doesn't.  Here it is:

Hi Matt,

Now I don't know if you actually read the hundreds of emails I bet you
get in a day (or if this email I am sending will even make it past
your spam bin), but I thought I'd fire off an email to you.  What is
there to lose, right?

I am sending you this to 1) tell you how much I enjoy what you do and
2) ask a crazy request.  So here goes.

1) I really enjoy what you do.  I am so glad I have had the
opportunity to see you live (you played the Edmonton Folk Fest last
year and pretty much stopped everyone dead in their tracks with your
amazing music).  More recently I sat in my car for the entire time CBC
played your concert on Radio 2.  Thank the good lord for the CBC.

2) So... I am currently recording a debut EP here in lovely Edmonton,
and I have been trying to find someone to sing some killer backups to
the songs I wrote (kind of bluesy-ish rockin tunes - think Joan
Osborne circa 1994 if that could even be used as a reference...) and I
think that (in my own humble opinion) our voices together would not
only sound great, but could quite possibly stop a few wars (in a good
way).  I will definitely pay you for your services, so hopefully you
would want to trek out to the prairies and record a bit?  I don't know
what your schedule is like, but I also work at a great music venue in
Edmonton too if you wanted to make it a stop as well (but hell, I am
sure you have tons of people that can book those things for you...)
But seriously, I completely understand if you don't want to be
involved in something like this... even as I am writing this to you I
feel kind of silly. But if we could make it work somehow, well heck.
I could cross off "singing with Matt Andersen" off my bucket list.

I won't include links to my website etc. etc. because I thought I
would just send a simple email to see what you think.

Thank you so much for your time Matt, and I hope you are well.

Cheers,

Lindsey Walker

So there you have it.  I emailed him.  I don't regret my choice, and neither should he.  Mind you, he hasn't emailed me back.  Yet.  I have no doubt he will, mainly because he is Canadian (and has good Canadian manners), but more so because he will be haunted by guilt for the rest of his very successful career.  (What?  Is that a threat? Don't think I am capable of sowing the seeds of guilt in an email??  Just ask any of my exes.)

I will be sure to let the world know when (positive vibes here, people) Mr. Andersen responds to my email.  It will be great.  I promise.  Now that I finished emailing Canadian celebrities about performing on my CD, you may be asking yourself  "What is next for that beautiful, talented, lovely, generous, NOT crazy in any way girl?"  Well, I have been thinking about mailing a letter to the Queen of England inviting her to my CD release party.  But we will see. 

Until next time I decide to send random letters to my idols,

That girl who should stop* sending emails. 

*but won't

 

Taking the plunge...NOT the Nestea plunge.

I am taking the plunge, you guys.

I am plunging (that doesn't sound great, now does it?) into the world of recording. 

From the beginning of 2012 until now, I have been extremely focused on my career as a musician.  I started a funding campaign (what??? You didn't hear about it through my incessant social media onslaught??  Well!  Even though the campaign is over, you can still check out my funding page here.) for my debut CD which was shockingly successful.  Since then I have been planning, planning, planning for recording and touring in the near future.

I love planning.

I ACTUALLY REALLY LOVE PLANNING.

Anyone who knows me well knows that I love to plan every part of my life and if a plan gets cancelled I am personally offended (don't think that's a trait I possess? Fine then.  Plan to go for coffee with me then cancel.  THEN YOU WILL SEE MY FURY UNLEASHED).

I also love planning because I love to imagine what my life will be like in the future.  I can dream.  And boy oh boy, do I ever dream.

The scary thing about planning is when it comes time to turn all that planning into practice.

GOOD GRAVY.

That's when all the fears and doubts start rearing their ugly heads.  What if I rush into things foolhardily? What if I make a mistake? What if I fail and cry and my cats run away and I never have the opportunity to be this happy ever again and I become    WHAT IF EVERYTHING I HAVE PLANNED DOESN'T TURN OUT???

Seriously, Lindsey.  Stop friggin worrying so much. 

The funny thing is that it will be okay.  It will all work out.  No matter what.  (Well, unless I set myself on fire and scream obscenities into the night sky, which has been known to happen before...).  I know it can be frightening to go for the things we love and feel most passionate about.  The fear of failing at what we love can prevent us from actually going for (and end up doing) what we love.  Don't get me wrong, I am doing a lot of what I love.  I play my own music, have many supportive friends and family, have fans that don't know me personally yet still love my music.  People sing along to my songs when I play live. I am really blessed with my life as a musician.  It was okay all this time, and it will be okay from here on in.    

I will be heading into the studio to record in the next day or two.  I have been planning for this for a looooong while, but I have to let you in on a secret: I still feel unprepared. And nervous.  I have no reason to feel unprepared, because of all this planning I've done.  I shouldn't feel nervous because I fell confident about the songs I have written because they come from a place of honesty in my heart and soul. So all I can do is keep telling myself that I will do my best and the outcome will be great.    

I am going to begin recording tomorrow.

TOMORROW, you guys.

!!!!!!

I am excited.  And nervous.  And happy, proud, blessed.  It will be an amazing adventure, as everything along this path has been so far. I will be sure to write more posts as I get started and start recording, I promise!

Until next time when I can start calling myself "recording artist Lindsey Walker",

The girl who should plan to not be nervous.