Fear: The good, the bad, and....

One of my favorite things to do is talk about fear.

I feel that if we can open up to ourselves and each other about the things we fear, then we can accept it and move on. It's really simple, right?

...

Right???

When I teach singing or guitar to students, they are often nervous of performing. Whether it is in front of me or a larger audience, they get scared.

I like to ask them "What is the worst that can happen if you do make a mistake?"

They usually look at me blankly, so I continue. "Well, I guess if you were to mess up, the world could end... or the building could collapse... or you could accidentally throw up on every single person that was in attendance... or you could open your mouth to sing and wasps could fly out and sting everyone"

That is when most of my students look at me like I am crazy.

Maybe because I am.

I am crazy, but I am also pretty ballsy. I have been told this many, many times. I would like to think I am ballsy because if I let my fear control me I would be stuck in my bedroom with my cats for the rest of my days. I don't want to live like that (no matter how cute the lil' guys are), so I have made a choice to attack fear before it attacks me.

I have just released my first debut EP this past weekend, and it was a lot of work. The hard work was the easy part in comparison to the fears I had to fight. "Will people like it?",  "Will I do a good job promoting it?", "What if no one shows up to my show?" among other concerns danced through my mind.

One day, I sat down and wrote everything that I was scared of out. Every little thing about my music, my future, my life. I looked at it and asked, "What's the worst that can happen?" And immediately thought of the scene from Frankenstein where he was being chased by the mob of angry villagers.
That was the worst thing I could imagine happening. I release my album, and almost instantly an angry mob would hunt me down, obviously. But now that I knew that that was the worst that could happen to me, I knew I could survive anything else.

Mind you, I honestly don't know what I would've done if an angry mob appeared, but heck. I was mentally ready for it.

I mention this because as I am writing this, I am fighting the fear monster once again. In two days I will be heading out on the road by myself for 12 days to tour British Columbia. I haven't done anything like this for a very very long time. Heck, I cannot remember the last time I was out of town for more than 6 days.

I know, many of you may be saying "people do this all the time... you'll be fine", which is true. But this is uncharted territory for me; something I fear.

I have always been a very careful person with my choices in life. This past year, however, I have thrown caution to the wind (well as much as I could) and taken the risks and done things I wouldn't have done in the past. And you know what? Every moment, every risk, every detour, rejection EVERYTHING, has been worth it. Worth every moment. I have never felt so alive and so happy in my life. And I have never felt as though I am just getting started - which is the most exciting part of all.

So! I have looked at every option for the worst things that could happen to me on my tour, and I am ready for it all. The good, the bad, and the way it's meant to be.

Until next time I have to conquer my fears,

The girl who isn't afraid anymore.


SIDENOTE:
For those of you that are interested, I will be updating this blog along with my facebook page and twitter with all of my adventures on my tour.

Tales from the land of tour-planning: From fear to stress to happiness to wine in one night.

Here comes the news of the day: 

This one-woman show is taking it to the streets. (And no, I am not homeless again...)

In case I haven't told you (or in case you haven't been inundated with the onslaught of personal info I have been tossing around) I am releasing my debut EP Our Glory in May (May 4th to be exact - YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST!) and I am planning a Western Canadian tour to support that (don't worry my east-of-Edmonton friends, I will trek out east in JUNE!). This will be the first time I have planned, and ventured out on a tour all by my lonesome, and I have to say: it's been such an amazing experience so far. And I haven't even hit the pavement yet!

In the past 2 weeks, I have sent approximately 50 emails to various live music venues, house concert groups, and just about anyone who will allow me to email them about playing in their garage/shack/veranda/Bavarian-inspired guest house/pet store/bowling alleys/ANYWHERE while in BC. I have come to terms with the fact that many (read: most) emails are not being responded to. It can be a little bit of an ego-bruise to me (just like all the letters I send out to all of my suitors. ALL those letters. To ALL those suitors...) But you know what, heck, I understand. Live music venues are like the popular kids in the room (let me finish-I think I am onto something with this metaphor...), whereas I (as a musician and a person) am the weirdo child picking my nose lying on a pile of similarly odd children all picking their noses in different and unique ways. Now those popular kids have to choose from a pile of snotty kids which ones they will spend their recess with each day, and I can assume that it is not an easy choice at all. (Metaphor achieved!)

                                           

What it comes down to is that there are only so many ways you can say "Hey! I'm an awesome human being and a great musician! Please oh for the love of all that is holy in the world hire me!" Before you have a bit of a mental episode.

I have been saying all that for 2 weeks now.

Commence mental episode (or would it be considered a mental series...?).

It actually isn't that bad. I have only been a bit more mental than usual, which is already on the going-mental side of things. I think I am doing a-okay.

And to be honest, all hope is not lost in the land of tour planning; I have gotten some bites! It is amazing. Who knew that an unknown-on the music scene lass like myself would get some responses! I am seriously super excited and shocked and happy, all at the same time (I know, it's weird). There are so many of us out there, plugging away at writing good songs, playing shows and doing the business of all that is musical, and here I am getting gigs in a province I have never played in. Yes, I have been working super duper hard at this, and I can see the work I do coming around and proving itself to me. Still, it  makes me take step back everyday and realize how lucky I am.

It's funny. The feeling I feel every time I go to write an email to a venue, or check my email, or look up new places to play, I feel like I am in the honeymoon stage of a relationship. You know that point at the beginning of a relationship (or in movies, the whole relationship) how excited you feel when you see that they've called you, or when you plan to see them, et cetera... (the closest I've gotten to that is when my cats pay attention to me because they want food). When I am working on my tour,  I get that funny feeling in my stomach that is nerves and excitement and joy all barreled up into one. It is such a wonderful feeling. I understand (just like all relationships) there will be a lot of work to do, but I am ready for it. I have been waiting to do this for a long time, and now it's happening. I couldn't be more happy.


Until the next time I can take a break from tour planning,

The girl who is going places-literally.

Taking the plunge...NOT the Nestea plunge.

I am taking the plunge, you guys.

I am plunging (that doesn't sound great, now does it?) into the world of recording. 

From the beginning of 2012 until now, I have been extremely focused on my career as a musician.  I started a funding campaign (what??? You didn't hear about it through my incessant social media onslaught??  Well!  Even though the campaign is over, you can still check out my funding page here.) for my debut CD which was shockingly successful.  Since then I have been planning, planning, planning for recording and touring in the near future.

I love planning.

I ACTUALLY REALLY LOVE PLANNING.

Anyone who knows me well knows that I love to plan every part of my life and if a plan gets cancelled I am personally offended (don't think that's a trait I possess? Fine then.  Plan to go for coffee with me then cancel.  THEN YOU WILL SEE MY FURY UNLEASHED).

I also love planning because I love to imagine what my life will be like in the future.  I can dream.  And boy oh boy, do I ever dream.

The scary thing about planning is when it comes time to turn all that planning into practice.

GOOD GRAVY.

That's when all the fears and doubts start rearing their ugly heads.  What if I rush into things foolhardily? What if I make a mistake? What if I fail and cry and my cats run away and I never have the opportunity to be this happy ever again and I become    WHAT IF EVERYTHING I HAVE PLANNED DOESN'T TURN OUT???

Seriously, Lindsey.  Stop friggin worrying so much. 

The funny thing is that it will be okay.  It will all work out.  No matter what.  (Well, unless I set myself on fire and scream obscenities into the night sky, which has been known to happen before...).  I know it can be frightening to go for the things we love and feel most passionate about.  The fear of failing at what we love can prevent us from actually going for (and end up doing) what we love.  Don't get me wrong, I am doing a lot of what I love.  I play my own music, have many supportive friends and family, have fans that don't know me personally yet still love my music.  People sing along to my songs when I play live. I am really blessed with my life as a musician.  It was okay all this time, and it will be okay from here on in.    

I will be heading into the studio to record in the next day or two.  I have been planning for this for a looooong while, but I have to let you in on a secret: I still feel unprepared. And nervous.  I have no reason to feel unprepared, because of all this planning I've done.  I shouldn't feel nervous because I fell confident about the songs I have written because they come from a place of honesty in my heart and soul. So all I can do is keep telling myself that I will do my best and the outcome will be great.    

I am going to begin recording tomorrow.

TOMORROW, you guys.

!!!!!!

I am excited.  And nervous.  And happy, proud, blessed.  It will be an amazing adventure, as everything along this path has been so far. I will be sure to write more posts as I get started and start recording, I promise!

Until next time when I can start calling myself "recording artist Lindsey Walker",

The girl who should plan to not be nervous.