I am a funny person.
I like to be a funny person, and enjoy the fact that I am know for being a funny person.
I also write sad songs.
It can be a little confusing to some, how a girl like me can be funny yet at the same time write songs that reach the depths of our hearts and tug at our deepest emotions, sometimes ranging into the extent of sorrow (although sorrow is term I usually use for comedy's sake - it's a funny word to say - it seemed to fit well here).
Well, blame it on my youth, I guess. I grew up in a funny household. Laughter was a way of life, and the goal was to always be ready to come up with a quip or a dry comment to try to make the rest of the clan of Walkers laugh. I could go on by telling stories, but I'd be here forever and would probably pee my pants at some point. I promise though that one of these days I will set out to write a post strictly about some of the funnier moments in my life (and trust me, there are many).
Tonight, however, I am writing this post by candle light, after seeing a show that has rendered me speechless yet has set off a thousand thoughts in my head.
Tonight I was invited to the opening night of Pig Girl, put on by the Theatre Network at The Roxy. It was the world premiere by the amazing Canadian playwright Colleen Murphy. The story centres around a young woman who is being held against her will by a deranged pig farmer, and her sister's struggle with local police to find her. There are many similarities towards recent events (recent meaning in the last 20 years, but maybe I am a little behind the times) within Vancouver's East Hastings community, but what happened in the play can be felt anywhere.
The idea of seeing this show made me very nervous, in a way I hadn't felt nervous before. You see, although I am no stranger to being involved in theatre, this show meant something different to me. About five years ago, I was talking to my father on the phone at work. I had been working at an insurance company (and if anyone knows me they can quickly realize I am not the type to be working at such a place). I often called my father while I was at work, if only to make the day go by a little faster. We had gotten on the subject of my mother's side of the family (she has 9 siblings) and what they were all up to. Gloria was an Aunt that I had never known, but always knew about her - even if the information was hard to come by. At this point I had understood that she was living in Victoria, and had informed everyone that she wanted no contact with her family. That was not exactly how things had panned out, but my parents didn't want to tell me what they really knew.
Last time she was in contact with my family, Gloria was not living in Victoria, but living in Vancouver's notorious East side. She had been battling addiction and ended up there, which is the case for many people. Because of her lifestyle, she had gone missing before, for days here and there. But she was always able to contact her mother (my Grandmother) at some point to check in. The last time she did so was sometime in February 1993.
I wasn't very old in 1993, and in no way did I know about the situation with Gloria. I don't think anyone really did, to be honest. And if they did, they didn't say a word about it.
It's interesting how we cope with loss. The loss of someone without a trace is a kind of loss that you can never prepare for. I never met my aunt, but her memory is still with us. It has been passed down to me from my parents. She was a bridesmaid at my parent's wedding. She held me when I was born. She is a daughter, a friend, an aunt, a sister. She is so many things, but she is also missing. She may always be missing. She may never be alive, nor dead, nor happy, nor at peace. And neither will we. It's a cloud that hangs in the air which some family members talk about and others avoid. There is no right or wrong way to handle this looming cloud of her being missing for it may always be there.
Although this is something that is not easily brought up, I have to talk about this. This idea of addiction and sex trade workers and what is so easily swept under the rug in our society. Maybe it's easier for me to talk about it as I do not remember Gloria, which in a way makes me feel like I should take on this task of talking about the things that are hard to talk about with people that may not have had to experience it first, second or third hand. These things are necessary to discuss and to learn about because they are happening in our world, in our cities, and in our neighbourhoods all the time. And when we stop ourselves from talking about them we stop ourselves from going forward and helping those that need it. I know that no matter where Gloria is, she would want us to talk about these issues.
I feel my Aunt Gloria with me at times, and not just in terms of the looming cloud I speak of. I have written a song about her (which is also an homage to many of the women that have gone missing from Vancouver's east side) and there have been times when I've performed it where strange things have happened (a painting fell off the wall once at a cafe I was performing at, there have been a few times when an electrical issue has come up during the song). I felt her with me tonight at the show too. Pig Girl can be graphic at times, yet it is compelling enough to keep watching no matter what is going on. About two-thirds of the way through the story I had been holding back tears to the point where I thought I would pass out from exhaustion when suddenly my mind shifted slightly and I thought of Gloria. In that moment I completely relaxed, to the point where I was worried I wasn't even in my body anymore. I cannot explain completely what I felt, but it was something deep and something strong. I felt okay. And safe. Because I was being told that she was okay. It was actually very beautiful and felt in many ways, serene.
Once the show was over, I wept like I hadn't wept in a very long time. The content is so true to what happened and what continues to happen each day in this country. Women go missing. Authorities do not show the compassion to help make a change. Families wear themselves out trying desperately to find loved ones. It is thought-provoking and told in a way that will make you want to search for answers in ways you didn't think you would or could. The performances are extremely intense and subtle at the same time, forcing you to feel conflicting emotions towards each character at some point. This play is not for the faint of heart, but we are all strong. We need to be.
I may never know about my Aunt's whereabouts. I may never know if she is alive or dead. I may never know how she died, where she was, who she was with, or what led her to where she is or was. Many people speculate she was one of the victims of Mr. Pickton. Her name has been mentioned in the Globe and Mail, on CBC, and on various missing persons websites from across North America. I have come to accept the fact that we do not know and we may never know what happened to Gloria. But we can love those around us and look out for one another. We can learn about how our society has made mistakes and change the way we look at others. Most importantly, we can make sure that every person on this earth is treated with the respect and dignity that every single person deserves.
Until next time I feel fueled by emotion to an out of this world extent,
The girl who is trying to love with all her heart.
*For more information on Pig Girl which is playing at The Roxy theatre in Edmonton until November 24th, please click here.
**If you would like to hear the song I have written for my Aunt which is entitled Our Glory please click here.
Showing posts with label BC. Show all posts
Showing posts with label BC. Show all posts
Friday, November 8, 2013
Friday, May 31, 2013
Tour update number two: Logging roads, sunshine, tears, laughs, and home.
I had this huge idea that I would blog about my tour every day.
My first two days on the road were 8 hour driving days, and I got tired. So I didn't write anything... now my tour is over and I have decided to recount my travels in a "Coles Notes" version of the whole thing (well maybe except for the first day as I had already posted about my trip to Jasper. So let's start at day two, shall we?).
Okay! Heeeeeeeerrrre we go:
Day 2: 8 hour drive, the scariest drive of my life, and Kaslo.
Waking up is not easy for me on a good day. Let alone when I have gone to bed at 1:30 in the AM... Alas, I had to be on the road at 6am to be able to get to Kaslo, British Columbia by 4pm. So, by God, I am going to be on the road then.
I woke up at 6:45am.
As fast as I could, I throw my life into my rental car and off I go. Watching the sun come up in the mountains was possibly one of the most amazing moments in my grown life. It was unbelievable. I was viewing the very images photographers chase after...I even took some photos from the car (the "professional" photographer I am...) I would share them with you, but I have no idea how to do that in this blog, so just close your beautiful eyes and imagine how beautiful those images are. Don't worry, I'll wait.
...
Nice, right???
I kept driving, and driving, and driving. Through some beautiful scenery too. But as much as I wanted to, I couldn't stop. I had to keep trekking along. After a lovely ferry ride, I was officially in the Kootenays. Now this is where it gets hilarious. I listened to Google Maps (which is kind of the go-to in route planning for my touring) and took the less-used road to drive the rest of the 89 kilometres to Kaslo. It was a one lane, gravel logging road that had a 800 foot drop into a massive lake.
Yeeeeeeeeeeeehaw.
I drove at a steady 40 km/hour with my entire body using every muscle in my body to keep the car in check. At one point I recalled a Stephen King short story I read where a gal is trying to find the best shortcut from town to town and ends up going through this strange wormhole and returns 50 years later-without aging at all. I was certain that was going to happen to me.
(I should also note that I was listening to Louise Hay's "101 Empowering Thoughts" on repeat as I was too scared to move my hand from the wheel to change the CD. Things such as "Live every day as if it were your last" and "Remember to tell your loved ones you love them; you never know when will be the last time to see them" really stick with me because I REALLY THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DRIVE INTO THE LAKE.
But, I survived.
I finally rolled into Kaslo at about 4:45, and after feeling like I was the latest person in the world, I quickly realized that in the Kootenays, time doesn't matter.
I found the house of the gentleman that was to be interviewing me for Kootenay Co-op Radio, and after apologizing for being late, he seemed almost angry for me apologizing. We drank some sun tea and talked about Alberta outside on his porch while his dogs ran around. Such a nice relaxing time after the crazy afternoon of "death drive: 2013". The interview went swimmingly, and after we took a walking tour of the town where he asked if I wanted to record one of my songs in what he said was "probably the smallest music store in Canada - no - North America." How could I say no? It was the tiniest music store I had been to, so I can only assume it has to be one of the smallest in the world. We recorded a song from my album, and after a short chat I was on my way to the Bluebelle Bistro, where I would be playing that evening.
The Bluebelle Bistro is a wonderful place with amazing food, and lovely staff. It was a balmy 31 degrees there that day, and most people were on the lake. I played my night's worth of music to a handful of lovely listeners, and after that I was on my way. Only thing was, I didn't have a place to sleep.
What does a musician do when they have no place to sleep and are too cheap to pay for a room?
CAR SLUMBER PARTY!
Thank goodness for the luxury vehicle because I had a wonderful sleep. I felt like a lazy camper.
After a day like that, one would hope that the next day I would only have to travel a few hours, right?
Tomorrow: NINE HOUR DRIVE TO VANCOUVER
My first two days on the road were 8 hour driving days, and I got tired. So I didn't write anything... now my tour is over and I have decided to recount my travels in a "Coles Notes" version of the whole thing (well maybe except for the first day as I had already posted about my trip to Jasper. So let's start at day two, shall we?).
Okay! Heeeeeeeerrrre we go:
Day 2: 8 hour drive, the scariest drive of my life, and Kaslo.
Waking up is not easy for me on a good day. Let alone when I have gone to bed at 1:30 in the AM... Alas, I had to be on the road at 6am to be able to get to Kaslo, British Columbia by 4pm. So, by God, I am going to be on the road then.
I woke up at 6:45am.
As fast as I could, I throw my life into my rental car and off I go. Watching the sun come up in the mountains was possibly one of the most amazing moments in my grown life. It was unbelievable. I was viewing the very images photographers chase after...I even took some photos from the car (the "professional" photographer I am...) I would share them with you, but I have no idea how to do that in this blog, so just close your beautiful eyes and imagine how beautiful those images are. Don't worry, I'll wait.
...
Nice, right???
I kept driving, and driving, and driving. Through some beautiful scenery too. But as much as I wanted to, I couldn't stop. I had to keep trekking along. After a lovely ferry ride, I was officially in the Kootenays. Now this is where it gets hilarious. I listened to Google Maps (which is kind of the go-to in route planning for my touring) and took the less-used road to drive the rest of the 89 kilometres to Kaslo. It was a one lane, gravel logging road that had a 800 foot drop into a massive lake.
Yeeeeeeeeeeeehaw.
I drove at a steady 40 km/hour with my entire body using every muscle in my body to keep the car in check. At one point I recalled a Stephen King short story I read where a gal is trying to find the best shortcut from town to town and ends up going through this strange wormhole and returns 50 years later-without aging at all. I was certain that was going to happen to me.
(I should also note that I was listening to Louise Hay's "101 Empowering Thoughts" on repeat as I was too scared to move my hand from the wheel to change the CD. Things such as "Live every day as if it were your last" and "Remember to tell your loved ones you love them; you never know when will be the last time to see them" really stick with me because I REALLY THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DRIVE INTO THE LAKE.
But, I survived.
I finally rolled into Kaslo at about 4:45, and after feeling like I was the latest person in the world, I quickly realized that in the Kootenays, time doesn't matter.
I found the house of the gentleman that was to be interviewing me for Kootenay Co-op Radio, and after apologizing for being late, he seemed almost angry for me apologizing. We drank some sun tea and talked about Alberta outside on his porch while his dogs ran around. Such a nice relaxing time after the crazy afternoon of "death drive: 2013". The interview went swimmingly, and after we took a walking tour of the town where he asked if I wanted to record one of my songs in what he said was "probably the smallest music store in Canada - no - North America." How could I say no? It was the tiniest music store I had been to, so I can only assume it has to be one of the smallest in the world. We recorded a song from my album, and after a short chat I was on my way to the Bluebelle Bistro, where I would be playing that evening.
The Bluebelle Bistro is a wonderful place with amazing food, and lovely staff. It was a balmy 31 degrees there that day, and most people were on the lake. I played my night's worth of music to a handful of lovely listeners, and after that I was on my way. Only thing was, I didn't have a place to sleep.
What does a musician do when they have no place to sleep and are too cheap to pay for a room?
CAR SLUMBER PARTY!
Thank goodness for the luxury vehicle because I had a wonderful sleep. I felt like a lazy camper.
After a day like that, one would hope that the next day I would only have to travel a few hours, right?
Tomorrow: NINE HOUR DRIVE TO VANCOUVER
Monday, May 6, 2013
Fear: The good, the bad, and....
One of my favorite things to do is talk about fear.
I feel that if we can open up to ourselves and each other about the things we fear, then we can accept it and move on. It's really simple, right?
...
Right???
When I teach singing or guitar to students, they are often nervous of performing. Whether it is in front of me or a larger audience, they get scared.
I like to ask them "What is the worst that can happen if you do make a mistake?"
They usually look at me blankly, so I continue. "Well, I guess if you were to mess up, the world could end... or the building could collapse... or you could accidentally throw up on every single person that was in attendance... or you could open your mouth to sing and wasps could fly out and sting everyone"
That is when most of my students look at me like I am crazy.
Maybe because I am.
I am crazy, but I am also pretty ballsy. I have been told this many, many times. I would like to think I am ballsy because if I let my fear control me I would be stuck in my bedroom with my cats for the rest of my days. I don't want to live like that (no matter how cute the lil' guys are), so I have made a choice to attack fear before it attacks me.
I have just released my first debut EP this past weekend, and it was a lot of work. The hard work was the easy part in comparison to the fears I had to fight. "Will people like it?", "Will I do a good job promoting it?", "What if no one shows up to my show?" among other concerns danced through my mind.
One day, I sat down and wrote everything that I was scared of out. Every little thing about my music, my future, my life. I looked at it and asked, "What's the worst that can happen?" And immediately thought of the scene from Frankenstein where he was being chased by the mob of angry villagers.
That was the worst thing I could imagine happening. I release my album, and almost instantly an angry mob would hunt me down, obviously. But now that I knew that that was the worst that could happen to me, I knew I could survive anything else.
Mind you, I honestly don't know what I would've done if an angry mob appeared, but heck. I was mentally ready for it.
I mention this because as I am writing this, I am fighting the fear monster once again. In two days I will be heading out on the road by myself for 12 days to tour British Columbia. I haven't done anything like this for a very very long time. Heck, I cannot remember the last time I was out of town for more than 6 days.
I know, many of you may be saying "people do this all the time... you'll be fine", which is true. But this is uncharted territory for me; something I fear.
I have always been a very careful person with my choices in life. This past year, however, I have thrown caution to the wind (well as much as I could) and taken the risks and done things I wouldn't have done in the past. And you know what? Every moment, every risk, every detour, rejection EVERYTHING, has been worth it. Worth every moment. I have never felt so alive and so happy in my life. And I have never felt as though I am just getting started - which is the most exciting part of all.
So! I have looked at every option for the worst things that could happen to me on my tour, and I am ready for it all. The good, the bad, and the way it's meant to be.
Until next time I have to conquer my fears,
The girl who isn't afraid anymore.
SIDENOTE:
For those of you that are interested, I will be updating this blog along with my facebook page and twitter with all of my adventures on my tour.
I feel that if we can open up to ourselves and each other about the things we fear, then we can accept it and move on. It's really simple, right?
...
Right???
When I teach singing or guitar to students, they are often nervous of performing. Whether it is in front of me or a larger audience, they get scared.
I like to ask them "What is the worst that can happen if you do make a mistake?"
They usually look at me blankly, so I continue. "Well, I guess if you were to mess up, the world could end... or the building could collapse... or you could accidentally throw up on every single person that was in attendance... or you could open your mouth to sing and wasps could fly out and sting everyone"
That is when most of my students look at me like I am crazy.
Maybe because I am.
I am crazy, but I am also pretty ballsy. I have been told this many, many times. I would like to think I am ballsy because if I let my fear control me I would be stuck in my bedroom with my cats for the rest of my days. I don't want to live like that (no matter how cute the lil' guys are), so I have made a choice to attack fear before it attacks me.
I have just released my first debut EP this past weekend, and it was a lot of work. The hard work was the easy part in comparison to the fears I had to fight. "Will people like it?", "Will I do a good job promoting it?", "What if no one shows up to my show?" among other concerns danced through my mind.
One day, I sat down and wrote everything that I was scared of out. Every little thing about my music, my future, my life. I looked at it and asked, "What's the worst that can happen?" And immediately thought of the scene from Frankenstein where he was being chased by the mob of angry villagers.
That was the worst thing I could imagine happening. I release my album, and almost instantly an angry mob would hunt me down, obviously. But now that I knew that that was the worst that could happen to me, I knew I could survive anything else.
Mind you, I honestly don't know what I would've done if an angry mob appeared, but heck. I was mentally ready for it.
I mention this because as I am writing this, I am fighting the fear monster once again. In two days I will be heading out on the road by myself for 12 days to tour British Columbia. I haven't done anything like this for a very very long time. Heck, I cannot remember the last time I was out of town for more than 6 days.
I know, many of you may be saying "people do this all the time... you'll be fine", which is true. But this is uncharted territory for me; something I fear.
I have always been a very careful person with my choices in life. This past year, however, I have thrown caution to the wind (well as much as I could) and taken the risks and done things I wouldn't have done in the past. And you know what? Every moment, every risk, every detour, rejection EVERYTHING, has been worth it. Worth every moment. I have never felt so alive and so happy in my life. And I have never felt as though I am just getting started - which is the most exciting part of all.
So! I have looked at every option for the worst things that could happen to me on my tour, and I am ready for it all. The good, the bad, and the way it's meant to be.
Until next time I have to conquer my fears,
The girl who isn't afraid anymore.
SIDENOTE:
For those of you that are interested, I will be updating this blog along with my facebook page and twitter with all of my adventures on my tour.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Tales from the land of tour-planning: From fear to stress to happiness to wine in one night.
Here comes the news of the day:
This one-woman show is taking it to the streets. (And no, I am not homeless again...)
In case I haven't told you (or in case you haven't been inundated with the onslaught of personal info I have been tossing around) I am releasing my debut EP Our Glory in May (May 4th to be exact - YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST!) and I am planning a Western Canadian tour to support that (don't worry my east-of-Edmonton friends, I will trek out east in JUNE!). This will be the first time I have planned, and ventured out on a tour all by my lonesome, and I have to say: it's been such an amazing experience so far. And I haven't even hit the pavement yet!
In the past 2 weeks, I have sent approximately 50 emails to various live music venues, house concert groups, and just about anyone who will allow me to email them about playing in their garage/shack/veranda/Bavarian-inspired guest house/pet store/bowling alleys/ANYWHERE while in BC. I have come to terms with the fact that many (read: most) emails are not being responded to. It can be a little bit of an ego-bruise to me (just like all the letters I send out to all of my suitors. ALL those letters. To ALL those suitors...) But you know what, heck, I understand. Live music venues are like the popular kids in the room (let me finish-I think I am onto something with this metaphor...), whereas I (as a musician and a person) am the weirdo child picking my nose lying on a pile of similarly odd children all picking their noses in different and unique ways. Now those popular kids have to choose from a pile of snotty kids which ones they will spend their recess with each day, and I can assume that it is not an easy choice at all. (Metaphor achieved!)
What it comes down to is that there are only so many ways you can say "Hey! I'm an awesome human being and a great musician! Please oh for the love of all that is holy in the world hire me!" Before you have a bit of a mental episode.
I have been saying all that for 2 weeks now.
Commence mental episode (or would it be considered a mental series...?).
It actually isn't that bad. I have only been a bit more mental than usual, which is already on the going-mental side of things. I think I am doing a-okay.
And to be honest, all hope is not lost in the land of tour planning; I have gotten some bites! It is amazing. Who knew that an unknown-on the music scene lass like myself would get some responses! I am seriously super excited and shocked and happy, all at the same time (I know, it's weird). There are so many of us out there, plugging away at writing good songs, playing shows and doing the business of all that is musical, and here I am getting gigs in a province I have never played in. Yes, I have been working super duper hard at this, and I can see the work I do coming around and proving itself to me. Still, it makes me take step back everyday and realize how lucky I am.
It's funny. The feeling I feel every time I go to write an email to a venue, or check my email, or look up new places to play, I feel like I am in the honeymoon stage of a relationship. You know that point at the beginning of a relationship (or in movies, the whole relationship) how excited you feel when you see that they've called you, or when you plan to see them, et cetera... (the closest I've gotten to that is when my cats pay attention to me because they want food). When I am working on my tour, I get that funny feeling in my stomach that is nerves and excitement and joy all barreled up into one. It is such a wonderful feeling. I understand (just like all relationships) there will be a lot of work to do, but I am ready for it. I have been waiting to do this for a long time, and now it's happening. I couldn't be more happy.
Until the next time I can take a break from tour planning,
The girl who is going places-literally.
This one-woman show is taking it to the streets. (And no, I am not homeless again...)
In case I haven't told you (or in case you haven't been inundated with the onslaught of personal info I have been tossing around) I am releasing my debut EP Our Glory in May (May 4th to be exact - YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST!) and I am planning a Western Canadian tour to support that (don't worry my east-of-Edmonton friends, I will trek out east in JUNE!). This will be the first time I have planned, and ventured out on a tour all by my lonesome, and I have to say: it's been such an amazing experience so far. And I haven't even hit the pavement yet!
In the past 2 weeks, I have sent approximately 50 emails to various live music venues, house concert groups, and just about anyone who will allow me to email them about playing in their garage/shack/veranda/Bavarian-inspired guest house/pet store/bowling alleys/ANYWHERE while in BC. I have come to terms with the fact that many (read: most) emails are not being responded to. It can be a little bit of an ego-bruise to me (just like all the letters I send out to all of my suitors. ALL those letters. To ALL those suitors...) But you know what, heck, I understand. Live music venues are like the popular kids in the room (let me finish-I think I am onto something with this metaphor...), whereas I (as a musician and a person) am the weirdo child picking my nose lying on a pile of similarly odd children all picking their noses in different and unique ways. Now those popular kids have to choose from a pile of snotty kids which ones they will spend their recess with each day, and I can assume that it is not an easy choice at all. (Metaphor achieved!)
What it comes down to is that there are only so many ways you can say "Hey! I'm an awesome human being and a great musician! Please oh for the love of all that is holy in the world hire me!" Before you have a bit of a mental episode.
I have been saying all that for 2 weeks now.
Commence mental episode (or would it be considered a mental series...?).
It actually isn't that bad. I have only been a bit more mental than usual, which is already on the going-mental side of things. I think I am doing a-okay.
And to be honest, all hope is not lost in the land of tour planning; I have gotten some bites! It is amazing. Who knew that an unknown-on the music scene lass like myself would get some responses! I am seriously super excited and shocked and happy, all at the same time (I know, it's weird). There are so many of us out there, plugging away at writing good songs, playing shows and doing the business of all that is musical, and here I am getting gigs in a province I have never played in. Yes, I have been working super duper hard at this, and I can see the work I do coming around and proving itself to me. Still, it makes me take step back everyday and realize how lucky I am.
It's funny. The feeling I feel every time I go to write an email to a venue, or check my email, or look up new places to play, I feel like I am in the honeymoon stage of a relationship. You know that point at the beginning of a relationship (or in movies, the whole relationship) how excited you feel when you see that they've called you, or when you plan to see them, et cetera... (the closest I've gotten to that is when my cats pay attention to me because they want food). When I am working on my tour, I get that funny feeling in my stomach that is nerves and excitement and joy all barreled up into one. It is such a wonderful feeling. I understand (just like all relationships) there will be a lot of work to do, but I am ready for it. I have been waiting to do this for a long time, and now it's happening. I couldn't be more happy.
Until the next time I can take a break from tour planning,
The girl who is going places-literally.
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