I have a confession to make:
2012 was not a good year for me. It wasn't good for me, for many of my friends, and especially for KONY. (Remember #KONY2012 ??? Although I usually have a good laugh referencing #KONY2012 and the weird stuff that happened surrounding it all, I know one person who wasn't laughing: KONY.)
Many people don't know this (hell, this isn't something you wave on a flag in Churchill Square, now is it), but I was suffering from depression for a lot of 2012. It was very up and down, some days/weeks/months/were better than others, but I wasn't myself for most of the year. I could feel it.
*Before I go any further, I need to preface the rest of this post by saying that depression is a serious thing and it comes in all different shapes and forms. I dealt with it one way, but that may not be the way for everyone. Just saying, I love you all and if you feel that you are not yourself and may be suffering from depression, please FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY GO SEE A DOCTOR*
I need to confess how terribly easy it is to remain in a depressed state. Now, yes, there were things that triggered my bouts of depression (for example: being dumped on New Years Day is not necessarily the best way to start off the year, but you know, nobody's perfect), but sometimes it was just THERE. No rhyme, no reason. It was like a cough I couldn't shake or a wound that wouldn't heal (or like that shadow outside my window that watches me sleep at night...). There were weeks that went by where all I wanted to do was sit in my ill-fitting sweat pants, eat an ENTIRE stuffed-crust pizza in bed, and finish it up with a box of Oreos. And I DID THAT, ladies and gents. Many, many times.
I could feel it within me not just emotionally, but physically too. I had gained weight (Really Lindsey? By eating stuffed crust pizzas and Oreos all day?? SHOCKING.). I looked (and felt) like a tired bag of poo. Constantly. I didn't want to see anyone or do anything. That was (more or less) my 2012.
But, I did do things. I was in some really great shows. I played some amazing gigs. I also recorded an lovely EP (which is something I have been wanting to do and working towards for a VERY long time). But I didn't release it. I kept telling everyone (including myself) various reasons why I wanted to wait for the following year to release it, but the fact was, I was scared. Petrified. So absolutely afraid of failing (or maybe even being happy? Hmmm...) that I didn't want to do a Goddamn thing. So I stayed in my safe place: where I kept eating pizza, watching Netflix, and waiting for something better to happen.
How I waited....
And waited...
Nothing. (Again, shocking!)
December was where it all came to a head, I can confess openly. I was more or less an uncontrollable weepy mess (and let's get a few things straight: I do like to weep. I am a weeper. But this was more than my standard weeping). For everyone's enjoyment, I have actually made a list of all the places I cried in public:
-bus
-someone else's car
-Home Depot
-warehouse
-gym
-office
-taxi cab
-in the back of a doctor's office (I was working there... but I was crying in the same area people leave their urine samples. It was a real hoot.)
-various theatres
-sushi restaurants
-a Value Village
-many bookstores
-LRT (I was also listening to this song on repeat, which made the tears flow even harder)
-restaurant
-in the change room at Suzy Shier
-bar
-Safeways, Save-Ons, and Sobeys
and my personal favorite:
-at a bus stop right outside of a daycare (THAT'S IT CHILDREN, SEE THESE TEARS! THEY ARE REAL ADULT TEARS. THIS IS WHAT YOU HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO!)
But about half-way through December, something shifted in me. I wasn't necessarily happier, no. I knew that I had to make changes in order to be happier. I had to do it. Not anyone else in this world could do it. I had to take the first step. I knew that this depression-thang would stick around forever (like some ex-boyfriends, right ladies?!?! OH SNAP! But seriously...) if I let it, and I would be complacent with that. But I wouldn't be happy. So I decided I would do whatever I could to make myself happier, and (hopefully) I would feel a difference. I stopped eating as many packages of Oreos (holy frick was that ever tough). I stopped watching so much Netflix, put on some friggin pants, got to work. I signed up for newsletters that had positive messages and were motivating for what I wanted to do with my life. I started writing again. I began planning for my 2013. I decided that 2013 was going to be a great year for me because I was going to MAKE it a great year for me. And yes, there would be days that weren't going to be good ones, and that was okay. But I would work my butt off to make sure it would be (and I would be) okay. I knew that I would have to work super duper hard in 2013, but it would be worth it. So here I am.
I am not saying this is for everyone. We have all had different experiences, events, and changes in our lives to get us to where we are today. But this is what I did, and am going to continue to do. As I write this, I can feel that I am happier than I have been in a long long while.
I implore you all to look deeply within and if there is anything you can do to make yourself happier, try it out. You may be surprised at what a little change may do.
I will personally try my hardest to continue to do what I can to be happy in 2013. I hope you will do the same.
Until next time,
The girl who is excited for 2013.
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